Must be something in the coffee
by The Libran Iniquity
Summary: Two ensigns test Janeway's compatability with various male crewmen based on an 'infallible' method... how she drinks her coffee?


Based on an old family theory. No slights intended, minimal shippage unless you really want it to be there, in which case, 'ship away

Also, I apologise to Robert for unintentional slights (if any). Yes, he exists. No, I don't own the character. At least, I think I don't...  
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"So how was your morning?"

Bajoran engineer Li Morwenna sighed, relaxing for the first time all day. Pulling her mug of Tarkalean tea under her nose where she could smell it properly, she looked her friend right in the eye. "I've been under Lieutenant Torres since oh-eight-hundred. How do you think it went?"

"Was it that bad?"

"If I was a light-year closer to Bajor for every time she yelled today, we'd be home by this time tomorrow."

"Ouch," Scottish-born Robert Mackie said, laughing, then feeling bad about it. At least working under Commander Tuvok wasn't so bad. At any rate, he never lost his temper like Torres did... in fact, he rarely lost his calm composure at all.

"Don't laugh. It's not funny."

"I'm laughing with you, not at you."

"I'm not laughing. What have you got there, anyway?" Morwenna asked, curiosity overcoming annoyance.

"Good question." Robert picked up his mug and peered inside and took a cautious sniff. Then instantly recoiled and eyed said mug suspiciously. "I have no idea, Neelix just sort of thrust it in my hand and told me I'd love it."

"Let me see." Morwenna reached over and took his drink so that she could inspect it herself. A minute later she handed it back wordlessly.

"Well?"

"Well, I can't be specific, but it's definitely Vulcan."

"Ah." Robert looked doubtfully at his drink, and took a small sip. He brightened up. "It's not that bad, real -"

At that moment, a strangled groaning sound broke out from the general area of Neelix's kitchen. Both ensigns, as well as half the mess hall, looked over. Captain Kathryn Janeway was standing on their side of the counter, holding a stainless steel mug in her hand. And she wasn't looking too happy.

"Uh-oh... " Morwenna said quietly. That seemed to be the general consensus of the mess as the crewmen started shifting uneasily in their seats.

Janeway started speaking to Neelix, unaware that the dozen or so crew in the mess could hear her every word. "Mr. Neelix," she began, "normally I have nothing against your... variations... of coffee. But how can you call _this_ -" she brandished the little mug at him, "coffee? It's too strong, and it tastes nothing like how I'm used to having it."

"Captain," Neelix replied, looking a little uncomfortable, "it's a type of beverage found indigenously on Grellis Prime, it's really not that bad once you get used to it, and -"

Janeway uncharacteristically interrupted him with a wave of her mug. "Look, I've had a late night, a hard morning, and I would like a flask of regular, good old-fashioned Earth coffee," she said, enunciating the last two words with a bit of a dangerous glint in her eyes.

The Talaxian looked as if he was about to pull a padd out and take notes. "And just how would you like your regular, good old-fashioned Earth coffee?" he asked with a smile.

Janeway sighed. "Strong, high caffeine content, not too sweet, not too milky, but not too dark either. Oh, and top it off with a little cold water as well. Yesterday I had to wait ten minutes for it to cool down enough to drink."

Robert and Morwenna glanced at each other. They had heard rumours about other Starfleet captains and even a few admirals being somewhat demanding when it came to mealtimes, but getting this agitated over coffee? Being stuck in the Delta Quadrant must have been really getting to her today.

"Okay, Captain," Neelix said, pulling their attention back to the kitchen. "I'll get started."

Janeway nodded, depositing the offending mug of drink on the counter, and turned and left the mess. The instant she turned around, everyone else in the mess resumed their conversations as quick as lightning, determined not to be caught eavesdropping by the most senior officer on Voyager.

"Suddenly whatever this is doesn't seem so bad after all," Robert said with a grin, holding up his mug.

Morwenna wasn't listening, however. Instead she was watching the door Janeway had just left by.

"What are you looking at?" he asked.

She didn't answer him right away. Instead her face took on a more thoughtful look. "My mother used to have this friend, a human who lived on the same colony as her when she was growing up, I can't remember what her name was. But she once told my mother that the way someone had their tea or coffee was the same as their ideal partner in life."

"What?" Robert asked, completely confused.

"I'd forgotten until now," she said with a smile. "Watching the captain and Neelix just now brought it back."

Comprehension began to dawn on Robert's face. Then it took on a much more mischievous look. "You saying that Captain Janeway's ideal man is... what was it she asked for?"

"In romantic terms, she's looking for someone strong, very energetic, quite affectionate, a real sense of adventure but not too much... and he's got to have a calm side," Morwenna translated after a few seconds' thought.

"Not asking for too much, then," Robert commented, looking rather overawed by the captain's apparent expectations.

"We women have to have some standards," she replied with a modest grin. She started looking around at the other dozen or so crew, but to no avail. Aside from Robert, Neelix was the only other male in there.

Her head swung around sharply as the doors hissed open, and Ensign Harry Kim walked in. Morwenna knew him briefly from a poker night organised by Lieutenant Paris, and looked back at Robert, a conspiratorial grin firmly in place.

He followed her gaze, saw Harry and tensed up for a moment. He considered the science officer for a moment, then looked back at Morwenna. "Nope," he said. "Not strong enough."

"How in the name of the Prophets would you know that?" she asked him.

He shrugged. "I am in security," he said. "You get so you can tell these things about people."

"Okay," she acknowledged. "Besides, he is a bit young for her. Completely unsuitable for a starship captain!"

Harry, unaware of this conversation about him and Janeway, opted for the vegetarian dish Neelix had prepared and settled down at a table by the windows to eat his lunch.

Morwenna watched him for a moment, then smothered another grin at the... interesting... pictures forming in her head. _No offence Harry,_ she said silently, _but... no. Just no._ Interesting idea, but definitely no.

Robert meanwhile, had caught sight of the holographic Doctor strolling into the mess, the portable emitter firmly in place on his arm. Why he was in there in the first place was beyond the ensign, as he didn't exactly need food or drink, but it was clear that he and Morwenna were definitely thinking along the same lines.

"What do you think, Bob?" she asked. "Strong enough?"

"Of course. He's a hologram," he said nonchalantly. "Plus he never gets tired... "

"He'd probably be _very_ good in bed," Morwenna said slyly.

The look on Robert's face said it all. He'd always thought Bajorans were meant to be such a clean-minded, spiritual people, not capable of imagining their captain and a hologram... ooh! He shook his head violently. _Bad mental imagery! Bad, bad!_

"... Too, too sarcastic," he managed, much to Morwenna's amusement. "He'd provoke the captain far too easily."

"Fair enough," she said, watching the Doctor's progress across the mess to where Harry was sitting. Turning back to her own table, she finally started drinking some of her tea. It was just what she needed to soothe her nerves. Torres had certainly been in a bad mood that morning, and the ensign had reached breaking point several times and had had to physically stop herself from lashing back at her commanding officer. Despite what most people thought about Bajorans - not that the deeply religious, serene, pure-living heritage part of it wasn't true, it was - but she was in possession of quite a fierce temper when provoked enough. She got that from her mother.

More crewmen and officers were coming in now, the morning shift having ended about five minutes before Robert and Morwenna had arrived, but most people took their time or else sent friends in ahead of them; the latter usually occurred whenever Neelix got his hands on a new and therefore untested recipe from somewhere or other. Today appeared to be one such example of this.

Lieutenants Torres and Paris came in together. Robert and Morwenna shared a glance and as one, shook their heads. He was already taken, so there wasn't any point in comparing him to Captain Janeway's taste in coffee.

Following them were several enlisted crew, none of whom they knew by name. However, immediately behind the cluster Commander Tuvok walked in calmly, ignoring the miniature ruckus in front of him. He was in fact, intently studying a padd that doubtless contained that week's security reports from each department. Inwardly, Robert groaned. It was always his job to review them after Tuvok had, something he never looked forward to. That was his afternoon's work cut out for him, then.

Morwenna however, clearly had different things on her mind. Staring pointedly into her Tarkalean tea, she said quietly, "Do you think Vulcans enjoy sex?"

If Robert was taken aback by this comment, he didn't show it. "Only during _Pon farr_," he said seriously. "If at all," he added wryly, smirking.

Morwenna snickered and drank some more. "The commander and Captain Janeway have known each other long enough," she commented. "So there's little need for courtship. And the age issue isn't relevant either. There's no way he can be too young for her."

"Indeed," her friend agreed. "But aren't you forgetting something?"

"What?" she asked, slightly confused.

"Commander Tuvok has a wife and four children back in the Alpha Quadrant," Robert said pointedly. "And I don't think Vulcans are the type to go in for infidelity seventy thousand light years from home," he finished.

Morwenna blushed. "Whoops," she grinned. "So much for that one, then."

Robert nodded, and drank some more of his own Vulcan brew. He made a mental note to ask Neelix exactly what it was, because it really wasn't that bad. Tasted something like... a cross between coconuts and _gagh_. If such a combination existed, but that's what it was. And if he was completely honest with himself, he really did like it.

Morwenna appeared to be losing faith in her mother's friend. Four potential partners for Captain Janeway, and none of them seemed at all suitable for her. Harry wasn't strong or old enough, the Doctor was too irritating, Tom Paris was unavailable anyway and Tuvok was a) married and b) most likely far too old for the captain even if he wasn't married.

A string of other assorted ensigns, lieutenants and lieutenant commanders came in, but none of them matched the captain's criteria, by mutual agreement. These included Ensign Vorik from Engineering (not adventurous enough), a chirpy Bolian that Robert knew in security ("_Too_ cheerful," he had explained to a mystified Morwenna), Lieutenants Kenzo, Clements and Rodway from the various science departments (according to she, not a positive emotion between any of them) and a timid-looking Bajoran Morwenna had known since childhood... and definitely wasn't looking for any female romance in his life, she explained subtly. Thankfully, Robert got the point.

It was nearing the end of the lunch shift, and both ensigns were giving up hope. Despite the fact the whole exercise was a light-hearted way of passing the time, there also seemed to be little hope of Captain Janeway ever getting together with someone during the voyage home. At least, according to the coffee theory.

The doors opened again, and Robert and Morwenna looked up dully. They were both thinking the same thing, _It can't help to try once more... for the captain's sake..._

The officer who had just entered crossed the mess to the kitchen and chose the same vegetarian dish Harry had gone for earlier. He sat down with Torres and Paris and began chatting with them as he ate.

Silently Robert and Morwenna stacked up the odds in their heads. Previous away missions Robert had been on with him had proven he was physically strong. Morwenna knew from assistance he had provided to Lieutenant Torres that he had rather impressive energy reserves. As for the affectionate part of it, neither of them knew for sure, but it was possible, based on his interaction with other crewmembers on Voyager that he could be very affectionate indeed. They both suspected he had quite the sense of adventure, even if he didn't always have it right out on display, and as for the calm aspect... the ensigns shared a look. He was calmer than Tuvok a lot of the time, and that was saying something; he also exerted somewhat of a calming influence upon those around him - this could only be good where Captain Janeway was concerned.

Morwenna took one last look at him, and grinned. If Captain Janeway's men were anything like her coffee, then her ideal man was right under her nose, and had been for quite some time.

Robert finished his Vulcan brew and looked up. "Okay, he wins," he acquiesced. "Now, if you don't mind, I have security reports to review."

He stood up, and Morwenna followed suit. She groaned theatrically. "If you hear any death howls, replicate me a _duranja_ and pray for me?" she asked.

Robert laughed. "You'll be fine, 'Wenna. See you at dinner?"

"If I'm still alive," she complained. "Another five hours with Lieutenant Torres? I wonder if it's possible to die from exceedingly loud noises?" she wondered, as the pair made to the doors.

"If it is, then I'm sure it's equally possible to die of boredom," Robert reassured her. "After all, I've got those reports to review, remember?"

They groaned together and left.

Lieutenant Torres looked up as they left. "Tom," she said conversationally, "you know Ensign Mackie, don't you?"

"Yeah," he replied. "He's on Tuvok's security team, I think."

"He's been spending a lot of time with Ensign Li lately."

"Are you going to set them up on a date, then?" the third officer asked in amusement.

"Oooh, look at you," Tom said good-naturedly.

"What?" he asked.

"Getting lonely, are we?" Tom asked. "Somebody caught your eye and you can't have her?"

"Maybe." Nothing more was said.

"Well, good luck with her, whoever she is," B'Elanna Torres said, getting up. "See you later Chakotay."

"Have a good day," Chakotay smiled.

"So, Commander, who is she?" Tom asked, leaning inward across the table. "C'mon, I've got to know."

"Now, now, Lieutenant," Chakotay replied calmly. "Some things are better left unsaid." He got up and left the mess. Tom looked at his half-empty plate and the nearly full mug beside it.

Out of curiosity, he picked the mug up, had a look at its contents, and took a good hard sniff. "Huh. Must be something in the coffee."


End file.
